Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
