I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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