my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
