My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
