That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
