I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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