If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
