If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
