I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
