So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
