Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
