I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
