Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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