i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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