And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
