How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
