I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
