Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
