if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
