two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
