I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize