Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So much Jack, so little girl.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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