Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
we're so committed to being not committed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
