you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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