I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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