i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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