I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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