I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
