He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
