My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
