I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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