If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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