you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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