You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
