it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize