You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
