they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
