my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
