i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
