I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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