the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
