You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
