I look better un-naked...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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