his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
