i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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