i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
