who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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