that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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