I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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