wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
