Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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