I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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