holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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