I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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