She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
