I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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