she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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