Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
