I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
