On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
3 2 1 whiskey
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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